The Bible tells us to pray without ceasing in 1 Thessalonians 5:17. When I was a kid that verse freaked me out because I thought that it meant I needed to be on bended knee beside my bed 24/7. How in the world was anyone supposed to pull that off? It seemed impossible so I pushed it aside from my thoughts. However, I finally mastered the concept of praying without ceasing in high school. It might not shock you, but I have a bit of nervous personality. High school overwhelmed me in a lot of ways. I had good friends, but I also had crazy friends that did wild and stupid things. Like all youth group kids, I was told to be a light in my school, but that meant I actually had to talk to people I didn’t know all that well. I lived on edge walking from class to class. I prayed a lot. I can go through each season of my life and tell you why it called for extra prayer. There has never been a time in my life where I have had this thing handled. I’ve never once told God, “Thanks, but I’ll things from here.” Nope, I think my prayers are more like, “Seriously, God? Why this? Why now? HELP!” Over the last few months, I’ve tried to take the quieter moments and use them for intercession (praying for the needs of others). I can get so focused on my own life that intercession pulls me out of myself. It reminds me that others struggle and need help too. We’re all human. It softens my heart and helps me to feel more content with my situations because I know that things could worse, so I should be grateful and thankful despite my own difficulties. There are reasons, but today I feel the weight of needing to pray. For my family. For others. There is a tension in my soul with the unknown, the uncertain, the unanswered prayers that surround me. It weighs on me. I feel unsettled. So today feels like a prayer. One big giant prayer. I might repeat it often to myself in conscience thought. It might run in the background of my mind as I go about my tasks. But today needs prayer. Tomorrow will probably need it too. This is the thing – it’s the one thing I can do. I can’t solve my own problems, let alone the problems of my family and friends. I can’t make things better. If I could, I would. Also, not all prayers are about sadness and the complications of life. Some are just for encouragement, hope for the future, and an expectation of things to come. It’s not all doom and gloom. But most of the time, prayer is one way I can be a part of the solution without making a mess of myself. It’s good to pray. It matters. The one verse I turn to the most in my Bible is Philippians 4:6, “Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” This sums up it up for me. This is what I need to do. The next verse talks about how doing this brings peace and it’s true. I know that I don’t have this all figured out and that’s okay. God does. He has my situations and my loved ones in his hands. He values their hearts and he knows their fears. He is their comfort, their strength, their joy. And he is mine. I go into prayer with a worried mind and if I truly let go and hand these needs over to God, I finish with a quiet spirit and a calm mind. I need that today. I need that deep, rich peace that passes understanding. I remember that God can use all things for his good. He is in this. And I am thankful. It’s amazing how prayer turns anxiety into praise. I’ll be honest; my prayers are very rarely ever answered in an instant. I have to continue to live that unsettled feeling, but I will not let it bend my belief that God has got this covered. He knows. And that concludes this rambling blog. I hope that maybe it encourages you to stop in the middle of the crazy moments and send up a prayer. Keep doing that. Keep praying. It’s worth it. It’s a sweet fragrance to God. He loves to hear his kiddos talking to him. I also need to live with the silence and listen for his response. It’s a two way street this relationship with God. It’s about talking and it’s about listening. So, since I’ve been really good at talking today, maybe it’s time to quiet down and listen now.
29 January 16, 2015
This week, I turned 29. This year seems like a landmark year for me. It’s the last year in my 20’s. It’s crazy how fast they went. It’s also crazy that the next decade that is right around the corner will probably go just as fast or even faster. How does time fly by so quickly? A lot has happened in my 20’s. I got married at age 20, graduated from college at 22, bought at house at age 23, had a baby at 27. Talk about a lot of life change in a 10 year span of time. I also got to travel a lot more than I expect I would. I visited Nashville (x2), Atlanta, Chicago, Southern California (LA, Anaheim, San Diego, etc.), road tripped to San Francisco and through the Redwood forests, Washington DC, Vancouver BC, Hawaii, road tripped to South Dakota, road tripped to Kansas. That list isn’t in order and I probably missed a few cities, but the point is I’ve travelled. I love traveling. I love exploring new places. I love Disneyland. My one regret is that I’ve only been to Disneyland once in the last decade. That is truly sad. But there is always hope in my heart that Disneyland will be the next trip I take. It might be unrealistic hope, but it is hope nonetheless.
Back to my 20’s, Disneyland can complete derail my train of thought. While I know that life won’t end when I turn 30, I feel fully awake going into 29. I want to make it count. Not in big ways, I don’t have major plans. I just want it to be worth something. I want to end my 20’s the best way possible. In a recent conversation with a friend, she told me that she loved her 30’s way more than her 20’s. I can see her reasons for loving her 30’s already coming into play in my life. She said in her 30’s she really started to own who she is and care less and less about what other people think of her. She also mentioned that she loved watching the world through her kids’ eyes. I totally agree. I think 29 is so important to me because I want to embrace who I am. I don’t want to feel obligated to be anyone but me. I’m also starting to care less about the opinions of others. Not everyone will like me. I can be kind and I can be Christ-like, but I am not in control of what other’s think. Even if it’s about me. Also, having Owen in my life has been so enriching. I love being his mom and getting to watch him grow. I am a stay at home mom who volunteers at her church and mentors young girls a couple times a month. I am an avid reader. I watch way too much television. I love spending time with my family. I am blessed with great friendships. My life isn’t glamorous, but I love it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
On the eve of my birthday, I was thinking about my friends. Relationships change a lot in your 20’s. I went from dorm life to living in Lewis County (with my friends all away at college). I went from having friends nearby to having friends scattered around the country. I gained a mother-in-law and two sisters-in-law. I gained friends of many ages. No longer was my core group all my age. As I was thinking about the ladies in my life who I consider dear friends, I realized how blessed I was to be walking this road of life with so many fantastic people who I know love and support me. My family and friends have made life so meaningful and I look forward to many adventures with them in the future.
Also, I look at how much Jeremy and I have changed in 10 years. I sometimes wonder why Jeremy ever felt compelled to marry the 20-year-old version of me. I was so young. I was still a kid in so many ways. I grew up a lot in 20’s and I have become who I am through hard work and rocky roads. There has been joy and there as has been pain. Jeremy has been by my side the entire time. We are a team and his love has held me together when I thought I was unraveling. We celebrate 9 years of marriage this coming summer. Marrying Jeremy is without a doubt the best thing I did in my 20’s and paved the way for many other wonderful things – like our home and our family of three. I am truly blessed.
As I said before, I have no major plans for 2015 and 29. I just know it’s going to be a big year. I know it will continue to grow me and stretch me and change me. I know I have an opportunity live each day as it comes. I am so glad for where I have been and I am even more exited for what is to come.
For those who are the wondering, I spent my birthday in a two day celebration. I spent the afternoon watching my movie with my sister while my mom watched Owen. It was nice to watch a movie without interruptions from my little man. My birthday was on a Wednesday and I teach 5th/6th grade girls at my church on Wednesdays, so I made the evening into a birthday party for me. We played Pin the Tail on the Donkey and Disney Scene It. There were party hats and noise makers. I made a Kit Kat cake with Reeces Pieces on top. It turned out great and tasted fabulous. (Note: This is not a cheap cake. Lots of candy is an investment. The bummer part is the candy only stays crunchy and fresh for a little while before the moisture of the cake affects it. By day 3, the candy has lost its crunch). On Thursday, we had my family over for dinner since that wasn’t an option on Wednesday. We had pizza and more cake (my favorite Safeway chocolate cake this time). Owen was the center of attention and it was a fun night to hang out with a few of my very favorite people. Overall, I would say the 29 kicked off to a great start. Now the slow march to 30… Just kidding. I mean, now for the epic journey that awaits before a new decade begins!
The Kit Kat cake I made for my birthday and shared with my Wednesday night class
Partying with some of my favorite ladies!
29 Candles
Another day, another cake!
Owen enjoyed my birthday cake! This kid loves chocolate!
New About Me August 3, 2014
I updated my “About Me” section today. It’s been a few years since I’ve tweaked it and I figured now that I’m a stay-at-home mom, I needed to go in and change my work status. Instead of just reworking one part, I did an entire overhaul. It like a fresh coat of paint. Keeping things real and what not. It’s always an interesting task writing about one’s self. I’m never sure what people really want to know. I don’t want things to sound too perfect or too horrible. I just want to be honest. I think that my bottom line hope for this blog. I want to be honest. I want to share my thoughts and the happenings of my life. I long ago gave up the idea that my blog was going to be “discovered” and that I was going to become the next great blogging sensation (I’m not sure that was ever my goal, but it might have been neat). These days I’m keeping thing simple. Updates on the family, books I’m reading, something I baked, a focus on the family members and friends I adore. These are the things that matter to me.
Soda Experiment & Other Randomness July 16, 2014
I’ve passed the mid-week mark. I am now in the home stretch of Jeremy’s absence. The week has been a good one. It’s gone better than I expected. I’ve maintained my watering regime and even got the trash can and recycling can out on time. Owen has enjoyed our adventures and he has gotten some new toys to entertain himself through this week without dad. Thanks to the wonders of FaceTime, Jeremy and Owen have had daily chat times and Owen really enjoys being able to see his dad on the screen.
New toy from Grandma
Like I mentioned in my last post, its been a week full of projects and visits. Yesterday, my big project was sorting and boxing up some of Owen’s baby clothes and moving them to the garage. Owen is still in 9 month clothes, but will be transitioning to 12 months sooner than I care to admit. Owen happily played in his room while I sorted his clothes. The other project was taking apart his mobile and getting it out to the garage as well. The mobile had become something Owen tugged on and kicked when he should be sleeping. It seemed like it was time to take it down. Now his crib looks weird… Something is missing.
New toys from Dad – Jeremy has left Owen a herd of new toys this week!
I had an odd experiment that I wanted to try for a while and today seemed like a good day to do it. I used to be addicted to Dr. Pepper (very hardcore in high school and college). Once I decided to stop drinking my calories, I couldn’t switch to Diet Dr. Pepper because if I couldn’t have the real stuff, I didn’t want a knock off. That is how my addiction transferred Diet Pepsi. It’s been years since I had any Dr. Pepper product and I got curious. Do I still like Dr. Pepper? Is Diet Dr. Pepper really has bad as I think it is? Is Diet Pepsi better than Diet Dr. Pepper? So I set out on an experiment. I poured each of the sodas into a cup that was labeled on the bottom. I mixed the sodas around until I wasn’t able to remember what soda was what. I then did a blind taste test. I was able to figure out which soda was what instantly. The verdict was surprisingly the same as the past. I still think Dr. Pepper is the best. Diet Dr. Pepper is a sad version of the good stuff, but it’s not as bad I remembered and well, diet pepsi…. It’s my second love, not my first. Now I won’t start drinking regular Dr. Pepper again because it has a lot of calories, but it was an interesting experiment to see my taste buds had changed over the years. Turns out that they haven’t. Also, I should mention that I couldn’t let the sodas go to waste once I opened them. I’ve now had double the caffeine I usually have in day (it’s still less than a cup of coffee). I’m hoping it will give me a little extra get-up-and-go as I finish out the day. We’ll see!
The experiment
Since it’s Wednesday, I have church tonight. Half of my class is summer camp with Jeremy, so I’m expecting it to be a quiet night. For the girls that do come, we’ll have outside play time, a card game and root beer floats. We’ll take a night off from the serious stuff since it will be a small dynamic. Breaking routine is fun every once and a while and hopefully it make the absence of our classmates a little more bearable.
That’s the update. Jeremy should be reunited with us soon and we are looking forward to it with great anticipation!
PS – This little girl is 2 today! Happy birthday to niece, Brinley!
Celebrating Summer June 22, 2014
Yesterday was the first day of summer and I spent it in the best way possible – celebrating the coming arrival of Summer Taylor Boone. My long time buddy and forever friend, Maggie, is expecting a little girl at the beginning of August. I’m so excited for her and her husband as they enter this new season of life. It will be fun for Maggie and I to have babies close in age. I see many play dates in our future. I really hope Summer and Owen can be good buddies. I enjoyed watching Maggie be spoiled by her loving family and friends. Baby Summer is one lucky lady with a lot of cute stuff. Little girl stuff really is the cutest.
Jeremy was gracious enough to drive up with me to the baby shower since it was a long way from home and I knew it would be nice to have a second set of hands to help me with Owen. I started off with my little man attending the shower with me. Owen thought the room was so loud that he needed to scream above the noise to be heard. After a while of screaming (happy, but loud), I sent an SOS text to Jeremy asking for him to take Owen so I could actually focus on the shower. I was so blessed to have my hubby on hand to help me out. I really appreciate him.
Since the baby shower took us to the big city, Jeremy and I decided to hang out a little bit before heading home. We had lunch and dinner at two of our favorite places – Chipotle and P.F. Changs. YUM! We wondered the mall and enjoyed the sunny weather. It really was a great first day of summer. Lovely all around. Even though the baby shower was the main event of the day, I’m glad that it turned into a family day as well. Any time that I get to spend with my boys is time well spent. They are two very special dudes!
Summer the season is officially here! And Summer Boone is almost here too! Exciting times!
Celebrating Summer
Ordering at dinner overwhelmed him. Too many choices!
June So Far… June 19, 2014
We are over halfway through the month of June and wow, has a lot been going on. Lots of changes have happened this month. Some big, some small. The biggest change for us would be that I am stepping down from my job at the church. Things got complicated at the beginning of the month with family schedules and Jeremy and I decided we would simplify our lives. I’m looking forward to being a full-time stay-at-home mom. I don’t worry that Owen and I will have plenty to do, place to go and people to see. While I feel this is a good move for our family, I will admit that it’s strange to hand over the reigns to someone else. I’ve been working as Jeremy’s administrative assistant for the last 5 years and I’ve been working at Bethel Church for almost 8 years now (It would have been 8 full years in August). Change of any sort tends to throw me for a loop, so wrapping my mind around all this has been crazy. At the same time as I am untethering from a life of set office hours, Jeremy’s day off changed from Fridays to Mondays. So many of my usual markers during the week have disappeared and now I’m often left wondering what day it is! I guess it’s time to rebuild my routine.
Another big exciting change is that my sister and brother-in-law moved into a new place this last weekend. We spent Saturday moving them and helping them start the unpacking process. I love organizing so anytime I can help anyone settle into a new space, I enjoy the challenge. Owen was a pretty good little kid for the move. He alternated between playing/sleeping in his Pack’n’Play and running errands with family members. In true Amy fashion, to help the moving process, I bought ice cream treats and Hostess Sno-Balls to keep spirits high. It seemed to have a very positive effect on April and I! It will be fun to see April and Andrew settle in and make the place their own. They happen to be very close to a favored local coffee shop, so I see lots of hanging out in this new location in the future!
As I mentioned in my last blog, it was my mom’s birthday last week, so we spent the evening with my family having yummy Chinese food and playing a quick card game. June is a month where I have to keep a present to-do list in my mind. We have two family birthdays and now three dads to get gifts for in one month! Jeremy opened his Father’s Day present on Friday night since the weekend was packed full. Owen gave Jeremy cash, candy and a photo cube with his face all over it. My favorite part was the Super Dad card from Owen and I. So far Father’s Day has had a “super” theme the last two years. I wonder if I can keep it going over the years. Sunday was spent celebrating with our dads. We had burgers with the Scotts and tacos with the Vitzthums. It was a very good day and a lot of fun to spend the day with both our families.
There is much of June still left to be lived. I’ll keep you posted as our family continues to head into new and exciting territory. I’m sure the life of a stay- at-home mom will afford me plenty of writing material!
Yay! I get Mom all to myself!
Celebrating Grandma’s Birthday
Moving Day
Best Buds!
Love my dad!
I’ve Been Waiting… June 9, 2014
Opening Day! Oh yes, we are hardcore!
Hanging with my mom and sister! We pretty much moved in and took over.
I moved to Lewis County during the summer of 1998. I remember my parent’s drove me past the “Lewis County Mall” and I cried. That was no mall. There was no food court or amazing shops. My life was changing and I thought for sure it was for the worst. I’ll be honest, Lewis County is a unique place. Just drive by Yard Birds and you’ll understand. For a long time I have waited for Lewis County to become “cool” and we are still far from it. But, this weekend we took a step forward! I used to have to drive into town to meet up with people at Starbucks. 20 minutes was the commute. This is the northwest and this is where people meet, so I just did it because that was normal. I am happy to announce that a Starbucks has now opened up 10 minutes from my house and right at the exit of our church. This could be dangerous. Before Starbucks was just a stop on the way out of town or a place to have a mentor meeting. Now I might actually have to set a budget. Imagine when the red cups come in… I might live there with all the festiveness. It has been brought up by many a person, “Why do you like Starbucks, Amy? You don’t drink coffee.” Good question. I like hot chocolate and passion tea lemonades and pastries (okay, I love pastries). I have learned to love Starbucks over the years and now I’m hooked. No going back. So anyway, this Starbucks so close to my house feels like a promise of things to come. Maybe a Target or a Chipotle. I would love a Costco, Olive Garden or Red Robin. I dream of civilization moving into my neck of the woods. Until then, I will sip on hot chocolate and patiently wait.
500 May 23, 2014
First time riding up front! Shopping will never be the same!
Welcome to my 500th post! Wow! That’s crazy! I’ve loved blogging and I’m so glad that I took the leap and started doing it a few years ago. It’s become a great outlet for me to share what’s going on in my life and what’s going on in my head. Both seem to be very active. For today’s post, I honestly don’t know where to begin. May has been a trying month. Our family has battled illness on a lot of fronts and my hubby is currently in the process of trying to figure out if he has a broken heart. He has been dealing with an irregular heartbeat that has been causing him some discomfort. This has led to multiple doctors appointments and we are currently working with a cardiologist to make sure that there is nothing seriously wrong. All signs are coming back good, but there will be another test and another follow-up appointment to make sure. It’s been hard to watch my very active hubby be grounded by heart issues. He is 33. It seems a little too soon to be going to the cardiologist.
After Jeremy’s visit to the cardiologist on Wednesday, I got to visit my dad in the ER. This was his second ER visit in 24 hours. Yep. My loved ones have issues right now. I’m happy to say that my dad was released on Wednesday and has been doing a good job resting until we can figure out what’s up with him. Between my hubby and my dad, life has been “the not good kind” of exciting. In the midst of all this medical drama, I lost my wedding ring for over 4 days. I turned the house upside down trying to find it with no luck. Wednesday is our usual trash day, but Jeremy decided to not take the trash out until we could through it. Wednesday after the doctor’s appointment and visiting my dad in the hospital, I was super discouraged because I couldn’t find someone to cover my class at church that night. I was emotionally spent and didn’t have the energy to teach… However, I did go to church and I told the girls to be extra nice to me (and they were! Praise Jesus). I was pretty down but right before church started, I got an incoming FaceTime call from Jeremy. He had stayed home that evening and decided to go through the trash. He did find my ring in the first bag he went through. He said it was gross, but worth it! I’d been sick with worry over the ring, so it was a bright spot in a rough day!
This month sure has it’s ups and downs. Even though it seems like there have been more downs than ups, I know that God is in control. Without him, I would be lost. I know that he is in these crazy situations. I am reminded that he is trustworthy and good. I just keep praying and he keeps providing.
Hanging outside staring at a sea of scotch broom
Reading keeps me sane!
So does chocolate!
The Bugs are Back May 5, 2014
Empty tissue box = Full trash can
I closed my last blog by mentioning that Owen brought a cold back from Annual Conference. Little did I know at that point that my fate was sealed. I was going down too. The bugs are back at our house and they have set up shop. We were all sick in March so I thought it would be a while a before we were due for another around of illness, but I was wrong. Friday morning, I woke up with a sore throat and I’ve been sick ever since. I’m officially on my 4th box of tissue. I know that you’re probably thinking, I blew my nose too much, but trust me, if I didn’t, it would drip. Gross! It’s been a rough couple of days. Owen not only has a cold which makes eating and sleeping more tricky, but he has also been struggling with diarrhea (sorry for the TMI). I have spent most of the weekend washing and rewashing pajamas in an effort to get stains out of them. I have officially used up all our stain spray. The amount of poopy diapers and blowouts has been astounding.
Fun on Friday
On Friday night, I asked Jeremy if we could run into town for a trip to Starbucks. I’d been home bound all day and I thought a warm beverage would be nice on my throat. While in town getting that warm beverage, we got a flat tire. I was a bit mortified because I had hopped into the car unshowered in my grubby sweats. My hubby is a pro and changed the tire quickly and got us home. Saturday morning, Jeremy took off for the local tire shop to replace 3 of our tires. We knew that they needed to be replaced so the flat wasn’t a total shock.
The whale jammies been marked by this epic illness. On the bright side, doesn’t Owen have great hair?
A part from the runny noses, flat tires, and blow out diapers, we’ve been battling ants around our house for a few weeks. It really grosses me out because I’m a total neat freak and ants make me feel like the house is dirty. We keep finding holes that they are coming out of and we take care of that location only to see that they have moved and found a new hole to exit from. Last night, Jeremy found another spot that they were coming out from so he attacked that location with ant poison. The poison works by attracting the ants and then they eat it and take it back to their queen. Just a short while after Jeremy put out the new bait, the spot was covered in ants. I have contemplated moving or burning the house down… I surrender! The ants win! Because of this cold, I have had to sleep with my mouth open the last couple of days (something I don’t normally do) and thanks to our ant friends, all I could think about while falling asleep is how many ants might crawl into my mouth. Gross, right? Sorry. This has been a pretty nasty blog on many accounts. I did take a picture of the ants yesterday and I almost thought about sharing it here… But… I won’t. I don’t want people to be scared to come to my house. That is if the cold and diarrhea bugs weren’t enough to keep you away. Trust me, I have a date with my Lysol spray and cleaning products right around the corner… Once I have the energy to actually clean my house. Until then, it’s just our family and bugs hanging out.
Oh Blog March 30, 2014
I seriously write the best blogs… in my head. Throughout the day, I blog. I come up with deep insights, funny stories, witty remarks. I am real, honest and vulnerable. I say exactly what I’m thinking and I don’t worry about how people might take it. I just know they will understand and appreciate my authenticity. In my head, my blogs sound a lot like Shauna Niequist and Sarah Bessey, which of course, means we should be friends. In fact, if I write like them, I might as well be famous like them too. But I’m not. Most of my thoughts stay unwritten, unshared. And that is mostly because unless I write these thoughts down in the exact moment I think them, I lose them. I can never recapture their true greatness.
I’ve been reading Carry on Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton and she had this chapter about do what you want to do because you have something worth sharing and worth offering to the world. If you want to write then do it regardless of how great you feel as a writer. Everyone has a story and you deserve to have your story heard and who knows how your story might effect someone. Don’t hide because you might think you’re bad. Very inspiring stuff. I like to think that I could write like that. Just throw it all there and share my story for the sake of having it known. Glennon’s story is very dramatic. Lots of drinking, drugs, sex and an eating disorder (before coming to Jesus with her mess). I feel like people who have dramatic stories like this can talk about how hard life is because legitimately their life has been be a mess.
But what about me? I’ve always been a “good” girl. I have no horrible back story to recover from. Regardless though, my life feels a bit messy. It always has been messy, but being a mom really kicked that up a notch. I often filter what I write on this blog because I personally know the people that read it and I don’t want to be seen a whiner. I know that I have a good life. But life is hard and good at the time. It’s not one or the other. It can be good and hard at the same time.
Parenting is hard. From the very beginning it’s hard work. Even pregnancy wasn’t a walk in the park. Choosing to have a family changed everything for me. There are days where I’ve been on my own a little too much and I just wish I could be selfish. I wish Owen didn’t need me. I wish I could just lay in bed and alternate between sleeping, reading, eating and watching television. Sometimes my spirit cries, “Can’t life just be about me for a while?” But when you’re a mom, nope. It’s not about you. It’s about your family. It’s about the little face staring at you that definitely needs a nap but has somehow avoided one for the last four hours despite your best efforts.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I look at my life and I get overwhelmed. Apart from keeping myself alive, I must keep Owen alive. I clean the house. I volunteer at church. I attempt to work in the office a couple times a week. I try make the dog happy. I try to make my hubby happy. I try to keep in touch with those who matter the most to me. All the while, I feel like because I am in ministry and because I am a good girl, I must come across as “put together”. Of course, no one is perfect and no one would buy it if I said I was perfect, but I feel like all I am allowed is a few minor flaws. Other than that, I should be nearing that mark of perfection any day now. Hmm… It’s not working. When people ask me how I’m doing, I don’t want to be a downer, but sometimes I want to be really honest. Scary honest. I want to tell them about how I’m not thrilled my son has decided not sleep through the night anymore or how I’m really tired of him pulling out my hair and me finding Amy hairs all over him and the floor of my house. I want to say that I’m tired and that I’m trying really hard and how even my best efforts don’t seem like a enough. I would tell them about how I’m trying to love people better and not be so absorbed in my own world, but it’s challenging. My world shrunk when Owen was born and pulling myself out of the mommyhood haze to engage people can be difficult. I feel the tension when I’m at church especially because I want to be there for the people I’m serving but at the same time, parenthood comes firsts. I’m still not used to this conflict of interest.
Anyway, there are a lot of things I could continue to say, but I think instead I am going to go have a doughnut for dinner. Yep, you read that right. Right now Owen won’t know how terrible a role model I am in the food the department. I better enjoy these days while I can. Which does lead me to one last random tangent. I’ve been pondering the fact that little eyes are watching me through all this and they are taking in my every move. I know right now Owen doesn’t understand it all, but someday he’ll clue in. What attitudes will he see shining through me? It has me worried. I don’t want him to grow thinking “My mom acts like she has it all together, but I know she doesn’t.” Ugh. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Can you be too real? Too honest? How do you be honest on a level that is age appropriate with children? I don’t know. I guess I’ll learn, but I’m wondering. I know those little eyes are watching me and it kind of freaks me out in “I’m responsible every second of every day” kind of way.
Sadly, this blog is not as brilliant as the blogs in my head. Sorry you can’t read those. They are good. Hope this snippet of my story was worth sharing. Maybe someone is wrestling with life being good and hard all at the same time. I’m there. I understand. You are not alone.
Amy Scott's Thoughts 