I seriously write the best blogs… in my head. Throughout the day, I blog. I come up with deep insights, funny stories, witty remarks. I am real, honest and vulnerable. I say exactly what I’m thinking and I don’t worry about how people might take it. I just know they will understand and appreciate my authenticity. In my head, my blogs sound a lot like Shauna Niequist and Sarah Bessey, which of course, means we should be friends. In fact, if I write like them, I might as well be famous like them too. But I’m not. Most of my thoughts stay unwritten, unshared. And that is mostly because unless I write these thoughts down in the exact moment I think them, I lose them. I can never recapture their true greatness.
I’ve been reading Carry on Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton and she had this chapter about do what you want to do because you have something worth sharing and worth offering to the world. If you want to write then do it regardless of how great you feel as a writer. Everyone has a story and you deserve to have your story heard and who knows how your story might effect someone. Don’t hide because you might think you’re bad. Very inspiring stuff. I like to think that I could write like that. Just throw it all there and share my story for the sake of having it known. Glennon’s story is very dramatic. Lots of drinking, drugs, sex and an eating disorder (before coming to Jesus with her mess). I feel like people who have dramatic stories like this can talk about how hard life is because legitimately their life has been be a mess.
But what about me? I’ve always been a “good” girl. I have no horrible back story to recover from. Regardless though, my life feels a bit messy. It always has been messy, but being a mom really kicked that up a notch. I often filter what I write on this blog because I personally know the people that read it and I don’t want to be seen a whiner. I know that I have a good life. But life is hard and good at the time. It’s not one or the other. It can be good and hard at the same time.
Parenting is hard. From the very beginning it’s hard work. Even pregnancy wasn’t a walk in the park. Choosing to have a family changed everything for me. There are days where I’ve been on my own a little too much and I just wish I could be selfish. I wish Owen didn’t need me. I wish I could just lay in bed and alternate between sleeping, reading, eating and watching television. Sometimes my spirit cries, “Can’t life just be about me for a while?” But when you’re a mom, nope. It’s not about you. It’s about your family. It’s about the little face staring at you that definitely needs a nap but has somehow avoided one for the last four hours despite your best efforts.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I look at my life and I get overwhelmed. Apart from keeping myself alive, I must keep Owen alive. I clean the house. I volunteer at church. I attempt to work in the office a couple times a week. I try make the dog happy. I try to make my hubby happy. I try to keep in touch with those who matter the most to me. All the while, I feel like because I am in ministry and because I am a good girl, I must come across as “put together”. Of course, no one is perfect and no one would buy it if I said I was perfect, but I feel like all I am allowed is a few minor flaws. Other than that, I should be nearing that mark of perfection any day now. Hmm… It’s not working. When people ask me how I’m doing, I don’t want to be a downer, but sometimes I want to be really honest. Scary honest. I want to tell them about how I’m not thrilled my son has decided not sleep through the night anymore or how I’m really tired of him pulling out my hair and me finding Amy hairs all over him and the floor of my house. I want to say that I’m tired and that I’m trying really hard and how even my best efforts don’t seem like a enough. I would tell them about how I’m trying to love people better and not be so absorbed in my own world, but it’s challenging. My world shrunk when Owen was born and pulling myself out of the mommyhood haze to engage people can be difficult. I feel the tension when I’m at church especially because I want to be there for the people I’m serving but at the same time, parenthood comes firsts. I’m still not used to this conflict of interest.
Anyway, there are a lot of things I could continue to say, but I think instead I am going to go have a doughnut for dinner. Yep, you read that right. Right now Owen won’t know how terrible a role model I am in the food the department. I better enjoy these days while I can. Which does lead me to one last random tangent. I’ve been pondering the fact that little eyes are watching me through all this and they are taking in my every move. I know right now Owen doesn’t understand it all, but someday he’ll clue in. What attitudes will he see shining through me? It has me worried. I don’t want him to grow thinking “My mom acts like she has it all together, but I know she doesn’t.” Ugh. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Can you be too real? Too honest? How do you be honest on a level that is age appropriate with children? I don’t know. I guess I’ll learn, but I’m wondering. I know those little eyes are watching me and it kind of freaks me out in “I’m responsible every second of every day” kind of way.
Sadly, this blog is not as brilliant as the blogs in my head. Sorry you can’t read those. They are good. Hope this snippet of my story was worth sharing. Maybe someone is wrestling with life being good and hard all at the same time. I’m there. I understand. You are not alone.