Amy Scott's Thoughts

Sharing the thoughts that bounce around in my brain!

Rerun Week: Small Beginnings November 25, 2012

Filed under: Recollections — Amy Scott @ 4:40 pm

Published on October 10, 2011

My love story started with a board and staff barbeque and an email. That might not sound very romantic, but I have learned not look down on small beginnings. Things that seem to be small can grow and develop and that’s exactly what happened!

It was my first month away from home. I had started college in Portland, OR and I had agreed to come home and help me parents as they hosted a board and staff barbeque at their house. I knew that coming home meant helping them set up and clean up once the gathering was over. I dearly loved the staff of my home church and I was excited to spend an evening with them even if I was only invited for manual labor.

That evening, I can remember meeting our new senior pastor for the first time. I can remember talking with my mentor, Jeannie, about a boy I had a crush on at school… Then it happened… the conversation that started it all. My parents had two chinchillas as pets. The pastoral intern, Jeremy, started asking me questions about them and we settled down in my father’s den to look at the little creatures. Our discussion soon turned to school. Jeremy had a lot of questions for me. I knew he that never had “gone” off to college so I figured he just was really interested in knowing what it was like to live on campus and what classes I was taking since he was also a college student taking distance courses. We had a good talk and I can remember his parents were literally out in the car waiting to leave and he was still chatting with me.  Once the night was over, I took it as we had a good conversation and that was that. Nothing more…

I came home again in October for what Multnomah Bible College (now university) called mid-semester break. It was a four day weekend and I was glad to be back home again with family and familiar faces. My dad had asked me to help him in the Sunday morning services as he appreciated the pastors. My dad used the illustration of PAM, the cooking spray, to remember Pastor Appreciation Month. I got to help him pass out cards the staff. Of course, Jeremy was one of the staff members on stage and I remember wondering if he would come to talk to me that morning. He didn’t… I went back to school yet again not really thinking too much about it.

This week, seven years ago, I received an email from Jeremy (this would be the Tuesday after my weekend home). This is what it said:

Hi there,

How’s school going for you?  This probably seems a little strange just getting an email out of nowhere from me.   Over the past few weeks I have found myself thinking back to when I had the chance to talk to you for a while at the Board and Staff BBQ.  I had fun talking to you and wished we could have talked longer.  I realize that you are away at college but I would really like the chance to talk to you more and get to know you more.  I was surprised to see you at church on Sunday and wanted to catch you then, but the only time I found you was in a service while up front.  Anyway, I’m curious to know your thoughts about all this.  I hope you’re having a great week and pray that your classes are going well for you.  ~Jeremy 

I’m pretty sure I read that email a million times. Like most girls, I was reading between the lines. Did this mean he liked me? Did I like him? I had known of Jeremy over the years because we both attended Bethel. Even though he was older than me (by five years, so we were never in youth ministry at the same time), his reputation for being a strong Christian and his heart for ministry were clear. Knowing his character made it easy for me to see that this a good guy and worth getting to know.

I replied to the email and we’ve been in constant communication ever since! I praise God that for 7 years this wonderful man has been in my life! I still look back on those early days of emails and phone calls. It was so simple. Nothing over the top, but those small beginnings lead somewhere really good and I am glad for them. Sweet memories fill my mind as I remember what started 7 years ago!

 

Rerun Week November 24, 2012

Filed under: Simply Me — Amy Scott @ 9:50 am

Okay, I will admit that I’m a follower. I stole this idea from Sarah Bessey. This week I’ll be posting some reruns. A few of my favorite posts or the ones that really meant a lot to me. I know that not everyone has been with me since the beginning so who knows, maybe a few won’t be reruns for you. I think there is something important to remembering, to going back and looking at the past. These entries remind me of God’s faithfulness. They show me how my journey has been marked by his hands.

I thought it would be fitting if my first rerun post, would be the first post I made here:

New Territory (published on April 6, 2011)

I feel like I’ve hit the ceiling of what I can accomplish. I’m a pastor’s wife with a bachelor’s degree in Church Ministries and a minor in Biblical Studies. I have received my license to preach from my fellowship and now I’m about to become an ordained minister. I work alongside my husband as his administrative assistant and so much more. I love my job and I love the people I work with. However, with ordination coming up in a month, I have begun to wonder what the next step is for me. I’ve been pondering what is the next goal and what am I being called to beyond this. Life never stays still and I don’t want to think I’ve reached my greatest heights yet. There must be a “next” for me.

I have felt called to writing for a long time. I love to read and I have been shaped so much for the voices of authors. My dream would be to impact people the way I have been so positively influenced. Often I have believed the Cinderella line that “a dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep.” Nothing about my dream seemed like reality. Just the sleepy thoughts of a girl who wants to do more.  I’ve worried that I have nothing to say, that I’m the only one who feels this way, what if people realize that I have doubts and struggles, would my words even matter. Fear has held me back from making this dream a reality.

After much prayer and a push in the right direction from loved ones, I have started my writing adventure. I’m truly walking into the great unknown. It seems like everything under the sun has already been written. I may have no new truth to share, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t share it. I have realized that unless I speak up I will not have a voice.  If I am stating the same thing as someone else, people out there will begin to see that they are not alone. I myself will also be encouraged to know that I’m not the only one to have these thoughts. There is shared strength in honesty and truth.

I haven’t taken any how to write an article classes or blogging 101, but I feel compelled to go into new territory and share what I am thinking. I want to share what I have learned and what I am in the process of learning. I want to ask questions. I want to explore God’s love and his calling on my life.  I want my voice to be heard and to make a difference. My prayer is that on this journey of writing I will be able to express myself more deeply. I will go beyond the surface and address what is going on in my soul. I will be real and open. Some may think that I am crazy and honestly, I believe there is a bit of crazy in all of us. We might experience life in different ways, but there is truth in the world that binds all together and gives us common ground.

My prayer is that the Lord will guide me on this new path.  I pray that I will be able to step out in truth and share my experiences with love and honesty. I know that I am woman called by God. He has a plan for me and he will equip me to do his good purposes. I don’t want to be scared anymore. So often I have believe that I must keep my mouth shut because I’m supposed to have it all together. The truth is I don’t have it all together. I never will, but I’m learning that is okay. I want to grow from my life experiences and use them to advance the kingdom of God.

So I am open for business! Open to the Holy Spirit and open to life! I am open to being seen and known. I want to step out of my comfort zone and embrace a new path that the Lord has set before me. This new territory is unknown to me and unfamiliar, but that is no longer an excuse not to explore it.   I trust that there is good to be had in this great adventure and I don’t want to miss out. I will not remain silent when I know that I am called to share my story and my journey with others.

 

‘Tis the season to bake! November 21, 2012

Filed under: Cooking Experiments,Family Time — Amy Scott @ 7:05 pm

My Sources!

The baking urge kicked in hard and strong this week! Must be the fact that Thanksgiving is now right around the corner and baking just seems like the thing to do! The marathon started on Sunday with banana bread. The recipe I use is out of a 1972 United Methodist cookbook that was passed from my grandma to my mom to me. We were given some left over bananas from a church function and they needed to be used before they went bad. I couldn’t eat all them so bread seemed like the most logical choice. One loaf when to a family friend and the other stayed for us!

The next project was Monday night after I got the power back on! I’ve been wanting to make my own pumpkin pie for a while now and I finally did it! I figured I had all the ingredients on hand, so why not? I used my Food Network Magazine for their classic recipe. I’ll be honest, the pie was a bit of a let down. Jeremy says it’s great, but he has a head cold so I don’t trust his taste buds. I accidentally added an extra egg so I’m not sure how it really effected it… Probably made it a little fluffier. I’m not sure about taste. I’ll try again in the future or just leave all my pumpkin pie needs to Costco.

The final project was this morning  as I prepared a dessert to take to Thanksgiving tomorrow. This was probably my favorite dessert from the trio that made last year. They are called Hello Dollies (I’ve also heard them be called Magic Bars). This recipe came out of the 2010 Taste of the Holidays recipe book. I’m already been munching on a few as I cut them and prepared them for tomorrow’s travels.

I hope that tomorrow is a wonderful Thanksgiving day for all you who frequent Amy Scott’s Thoughts. I’ll enjoying not one, but two meals tomorrow. The party starts with Jeremy’s side of the family and ends with mine! Lots of dinner rolls in my future! What a yummy and tasty time of year!

Banana Bread

Pumpkin Pie

Hello Dollies

 

 

 

 

Evergreen vs. Deciduous November 20, 2012

Filed under: Simply Me — Amy Scott @ 10:18 pm

I live in the Evergreen State surround by tall trees with needles instead of leaves. Now that doesn’t mean we don’t have our fair share of deciduous trees. They are just less prominent. The tree has long been a metaphor for our spiritual life and lately I find myself pondering, do I want to be a evergreen or a deciduous tree?

My sister and I have a much loved and little known song by Switchfoot that we sing to each other. It was on a holiday album even though it has very little to do with the holidays. It’s more about the seasons. The main point of the song is “I want to be evergreen, I want to live all around.” For a long time, I would sing this song like a motto. I want to live all year around. Always alive, constantly growing.

Then I read about deciduous trees and how their leaves signify the seasons, the cycles of life. There are some seasons where we are in cold winter and it seems like we are bare, a hollow shadow of our former selves. Then there is spring. As small things begin to bloom and change, we find ourselves coming to life with the warm light. For a summery season, we bask in the glow and we are fully alive. However, nothing stays the same for long. We find ourselves falling toward change. Our leaves turn from green to gold. Then they fall. What are we left with? The hope of spring and the promise of summer.

I see myself in each tree. I see the benefit to both. Recently, I was driving over the mountain pass to see family and attend a conference. At one point in our travels, we passed a large set of deciduous trees. Their leaves had fallen in perfect piles around the base of the tree. The wind had not scattered them. Here sat these trees with all their majesty laying at their feet. Though they were bare, it was a beautiful sight. At that point in my pondering, I decided that I am deciduous tree, because I have cycles to my faith and have recently learned more than ever to see the beauty in the pain. It was a long lesson to learn, but I have finally accepted the winter times of a my soul as blessing.

I thought that being evergreen meant being constant without change. The word that came to my mind was stagnant. If I was evergreen, would I really have a vibrant, living faith? Then I remembered, evergreens grow a tiny bit each year adding inches to their branches. I never really noticed the brighter green tips in the spring until my sister told me how soft they were and instructed me to pet them. Being evergreen to me means constant faith and hope. It means no flashy gold, orange or red. It does mean slow, but measurable growth. The new growth is soft – just like our hearts.

So I’m left wondering – do I want to be evergreen or deciduous? Could I be a hybrid plant? The best of both parts. I’m not sure. I do know that when I look at these very different trees, I see beauty in both. I see the creator in both. Each are different, but both speak volumes into my spiritual journey. I’ll throw the question out to you, evergreen or deciduous?

 

Wet & Wild November 19, 2012

Filed under: Simply Me — Amy Scott @ 7:20 pm

It’s been a crazy weather day here in Western Washington. Even has I type this another heavy shower is pounding my roof and making its presence known. Last night the wind and the rain started to pick up. We could hear the gust hitting the house and this morning it was more of the same. As I was getting ready the power kept flickering and all I could think is “Today is a good day for a power outage.” I headed off to work leaving my sick hubby at home to rest. The power at the church went down for about 3 seconds before starting back up. It flickered a couple more times but never down. At home, it was a completely different story. Jeremy said that he lost power around 10:00am and we didn’t get it back on until about 6:00pm. I learned on my drive home that a tree had fallen down on the road and had taken the power lines down with it. The roads always look like a war zone when gets this blustery, but this is the first time I’ve driven by a downed tree on my own. I won’t lie, my heart rate went up and I started repeating “oh my” every few seconds.  What a wet and wild day! Because of the amount of rain that has fallen, local rivers are forecasted to hit flood stage. Nothing major, but it does make travel unsafe. We had to cancel a kid’s choir practice tonight and our regular Monday night activities. With no power and a tree down on the road, I decided to cancel my dinner plans. I didn’t think it was a smart idea to be driving in the dark on a unpredictable night like this.  When I got home, I read a little. My current book has small font and with all the dark clouds in the area, it was too dim to really read for a long time. Jeremy walked out to get the mail when the rain lighten a bit and came back in with the newest Food Network Magazine. I proceeded to pour over that until the light got too dim. We ordered an early dinner of pizza because it was warm, started a fire and lit all the tealights. Now that the power is on, I have a pie baking in the oven and quite a few lights on! Hurray! Wow, what a day! Here’s hoping tomorrow is less eventful!

The tree that caused our 8 hour power outage!

The Tilting Stop Sign

Warm By The Fire

Thankful for tealights!

 

Good Bye Old, Dear Friend November 18, 2012

Filed under: Recollections — Amy Scott @ 9:47 pm

The Last of the Hostess Products!

I will admit that the news of Hostess going under has been shocking for me. I was raised on Hostess Products and many jokes have made about the company sustaining my life. Isn’t everything better with cream filling? Just saying… I’m the poster child for Hostess. While many will find that appalling,  (sorry to my health nut friends and family) I will always hold a place for Hostess products in my heart! Here are a few of the memories I will carry with me.

  • My mom used to give me Twinkies as a young child because they would occupy my attention. I was fascinated with the cream filling and the wonder of the treat kept me quiet. I should also note that my mom stopped buying me Hostess products at some point growing up because she had dreams of me being a diabetic.
  • There was lady who worked at the library when I was little. She was friend of my mom’s and it seems like every time I saw her she would give me crumb donettes (also called crunch donettes). Good childhood memory!
  • In middle school, my friend Cydnie and I a Twinkie war where we threw a box full of Twinkies at each other. They were still in their packages so we didn’t make a mess. The Twinkies, however, did get smushed beyond recognition.
  • In high school, my Spanish teacher and class did a experiment. We called it the Twinkie of Doom. We taped a Twinkie in the wrapper to a small board and let it sit out in the classroom to see how it would do. Apparently the shelf-life isn’t as great as everyone assumes. I guess keeping it in the box and out of direct sunlight would have prolonged its life.

I could write you about my love for Twinkie, Cupcakes, Ding Dong (kept in the freezer), SnoBalls,  Cherry Fruit Pies and Crumb Donettes for what would seem like forever to you, but a short minute to me. This is road trip food, study food, try to fix a bad mood food. These are the flavors of my childhood and I’m sad that I won’t be able to keep my own children quiet with the wonder of a Twinkie (I’m sure my mom is glad that will not be a part of her legacy). Jeremy ran to one of the local gas stations today and found two 6-packs of crumb donettes for me. It was a total surprise and a bit sentimental. I will eat them, not save them as some kind of a experiment. I will enjoy one and try to make a memory with my taste buds. So long my dear Hostess friends. My life will not be the same. Some will say for the better, but I’ll know the truth. You are a defining part of me, like it or not, and I will miss you greatly.

 

Did you miss me? November 17, 2012

Filed under: Children's Ministry,Family Time,Recollections — Amy Scott @ 11:22 am

I don’t know if you missed me, but I sure missed you! There were times during this self-imposed semi-media fast when I really wanted to blog! In fact, without blogging in my life, I blog in my head. I create topics and sentences and I think like I’m blogging. It’s crazy. I love it so much! It was a nice break to focus on other things, but I’m glad to be back. I now have a long list of topics and ideas that I collected while I was away. I’m ready for action!

I was able to get a lot done without being on my computer so much. Originally, I was planning on ending my fast on Tuesday, but I kept it going through this weekend. So almost 2 weeks without blogging or Facebook. As much as I missed blogging, I really didn’t miss Facebook. I got on to use the message feature, but other than that – no checking new feeds, no looking at my notifications. I was out of the loop. I will admit that I felt a little in the dark, but I figured if anyone really wanted to share their life with me they would call. My friend, Maggie, did just that and I got to FaceTime with her while she was half away across the world in Israel! It was amazing to hear her stories from her and not just read about them in a news feed.

I figured I would fill you in what I’ve been up since I had all this free time not spent in front of a screen. I’ve read three thick novels in the last week. Lovely tales of love and family. It’s been fluffy reading for me and I’ve been so relaxed and happy – like hanging out with old friends. Jeremy and I attended a Children’s Leader’s Conference over on the east side of the mountain, so that meant I got to see family that lives over there as well as connect with some great leaders. It was really fun to play with my nephew and hear him say “Aunt Mayme” or “Mimi”. I honestly wasn’t expecting him to say my name for a while and he is so close to having it down. I don’t mind being Mayme or Mimi. It warmed my heart! We played hide and seek, watched Elmo, Jeremy and his brother got him all set up with a new train set. It was sweet to watch the “big” boys playing just like little boys! :) It was great to catch up with family over the mountains and see how much our niece and nephew have grown and changed.

I’ve done some yummy baking! I made pumpkin pecan cupcakes one week for my class and cheesecake brownies the next. The cheesecake brownie recipe came right out this year’s Taste of the Holidays recipe book. TOTH, as we call it, is an annual event where ladies decorate tables at the church. Each table is served a sampler of holiday foods and given the recipes so they can do it at home. The tables are always lovely and I enjoyed sitting at my friend, Danielle’s table. I got meet many of her co-workers and it was a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and eat good food!

For Missionettes this last week, we did my favorite craft of all time – Thankful Trees! The girls write on the leaves one thing they are thankful for and attach them to the branches with glue dots. Its a mess free craft that really gets us thinking. I love it and I do it ever year right alongside the girls! It’s the best!

The last big thing is the fact that eBay has taken over our home. Jeremy started selling on his stuff a couple weeks ago – mostly baseball cards and some antiques that have been given to him. We decided that enough stuff is just sitting in our garage. Jeremy now has all these goals for what is going to do with his earnings. This week, I jumped in the fray and started selling some of my childhood toys and knick-knacks. It’s amazing what I’ve saved other the  years that I thought I might want in the future. Now with some time and distance from them I was able to really decide what I wanted and what I won’t use again. I’ve decided that if my stuff doesn’t sell sooner rather than later it will go off to Goodwill. No need to keep it around!

So that’s what I’ve been up to! I know it’s not brilliant. I’ll save my brilliance for all those upcoming posts I have planned *wink*. Here is a look at my last few weeks in pictures. I hope you enjoyed the update! It’s good to be back!

Pumpkin Pecan Cupcake

Making the train go uphill!

1 of the 9 Red Cups I’ve enjoyed so far!

Cheesecake Brownies

Thankful Tree 2012

Sorting Childhood Memories

 

Signing Out November 6, 2012

Filed under: Women in Ministry — Amy Scott @ 7:35 pm

Today was a big day. I am super tired, but that’s good, in the sense that I literally gave it all I got and them some. For those of you who are wondering about my MOPS speaking engagement, I’m pleased tell you it went well. The group was much smaller than I had anticipated. While that might make some speakers sad, it put me at ease. It didn’t seem as daunting.  I was nervous about hanging out at MOPS. I thought it would be awkward, but it really wasn’t. The table I sat at welcomed me and put me at ease. By the time I got up to speak, I wasn’t even nervous. I feel like the presentation went well. The short clip I showed made a few of the ladies tear up. I always view crying ladies as a good sign, because that means they were touched by it. I was able to convey what I wanted and the time factor wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought. So yes, I would put this experience in the WIN category! Hurray! It wasn’t as painful as I expected, but I’m glad to have it behind me. The cutest thing is I got text right as I sat down from my husband telling me that I had done a good job. Now Jeremy wasn’t in the room, so I asked him how he knew. He told me that he was listening in the hallway. How cute/creepy is that? It made me happy to know that he was there cheering me on, even if I couldn’t see him.

I think the combination of Fall Fest mixed with a speaking engagement has left me a little empty. Not in a bad way, but I realize that I need to start filling the bank back up. I’ve read some amazing books lately that have deeply impacted me and now I think it’s time to throw a novel into the mix – something fluffy. We’ll be gone this weekend at a conference and visiting family. While that might not be restful, it will be a chance to get out of town and routine. I’ve decided to go off the grid for a while and sign out. I’m going to take a blogging break and a Facebook break. I decided that my life isn’t so important that people will freak out without my updates and insights. I just need to get away and get some fresh air. I need to do silly things and I need to let myself off the hook.

I’ve contemplated doing a semi-media fast for a while and I get hung up, because I really do love writing here and I like posting status updates and showing people my life through pictures. I guess I’m just realizing  that it’s not mission critical. You don’t need to know my every move. And honestly, I don’t need the constant information download.

I guess this is good-bye for a while (about week or so). Don’t worry, I’ll come back. I just need some down time. I need to sign out. Life is too short to spend my time scrolling through news feeds and worrying about what people think of me. I’m sure the world keep turning even if I’m not informed about everyone’s happenings. If something is worth sharing, I’m sure my friends and family will call me or text me. I’m not hiding from the world, I just don’t feel like sharing right now. It’s not permanent, so check back in shortly!

Signing out!

 

Love Does By Bob Goff November 5, 2012

Filed under: Amy's Bookshelf — Amy Scott @ 8:03 pm

I loved this book! I had heard about Bob from Donald Miller who happens to be one of favorite authors. Anyone that Donald loves and is friends with a sign of a good book. Also, Donald helped Bob with some of the editing and I can I see his fingerprints on the book.

The reason I love this book is because Bob makes me laugh. He tells crazy stories that you can relate to and yet you wonder if their true. The humor and the honesty lead to a thought provoking closure and then you say WOW! Bob has lived an extraordinary life. It seems like he has just happened upon some really awesome people. He’s driven without making you feel guilty about yourself.

Love Does is a great concept. Bob has lived his life based off of love. It’s been his guiding light. All these cool stories and amazing experiences come from doing something with his life. He is the kind of guy that can inspire you to do anything and he has a season pass to Disneyland. What’s not to love!

This book was right up there with A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It’s all about what kind of story you are writing with your life. Bob has written a good story with his life. It’s not because he is any cooler than you or I. It’s because he has tenacity. It’s because he see Jesus everywhere and lives for him, not for the same things this world hold dear.

Bob Goff is not average in any way, shape or form. His stories of courting his wife, getting into law school, taking his kids all over the world to meet with leaders of countries, helping release kids from prisons in Uganda will take you to a deep place in your heart. They will make you laugh. They will make you think. They might even bring a tear to your eye.

Love is about doing. Not about just sitting in a room talking about it. Love is active and living. Love is about living this one wild crazy life well. Now I might not have the resources to do the things Bob does, but that doesn’t mean my life can be void of doing. In someway we can all do. We all have the opportunity to love with our lives.

When I teach a class, when I pray with a student or a friend or a parent, when I send that encouraging note, or bake those cupcakes – my love is doing something. I want the love in my life to do something. I want it to inspire and I want it to encourage. More than anything though, I want my love to point to Jesus.

Love Does is good stuff. Bob Goff is an incredible author and I’m so glad that he shared his journey with me. I’m the better for it. I hope that I can do the same thing for someone else – I want them to be better off because I shared my journey with them.

 

Dealing with Nerves: The Drama of Public Speaking November 4, 2012

Filed under: One Thousand Gifts Challenge,Women in Ministry — Amy Scott @ 2:34 pm

I will be the first to admit that I’m a nervous person and I worry way more than I should. I feel like over the last few years I’ve been making progress in accepting how out of control I am. It makes me realize just how BIG of a factor God is in my life. I’m learning that trusting him means stopping my worry cycle and really putting aside my anxious thoughts. If I worry all the time then I’m pretty much saying I don’t trust God to come through for me and that the weight of everything is on me. Let’s be honest, worrying very rarely makes things better and improves the outcome of things… but still, it’s so hard. It comes so naturally. I have to be really intentional if I want to derail the worrisome train of thought I have running in  my mind.

With that being said, this Tuesday is really stressing me. I’ve been asked to speak at our church MOPS group about gratitude and what I’ve learned through counting gifts. Anyone who has been following my blog for sometime knows that I’ve read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp three times. You know that I’m on my way to counting 4000 gifts. I don’t do this because I’m a pro at it – I keep doing it because that is how long it’s taken me to get this! And truthfully, I still haven’t and I probably never will. This is one of the reasons why I feel completely unqualified.

My next big hang up is I’m scared of speaking to adults, especially moms. This might seem strange, but moms really scare me. They are like a part of this club that I’m not a member of. I work with kids all the time, but they say stuff like “Just wait until you have kids” and “You’ll understand when you’re a mom”. When I hear things like this it makes me feel like they are so much smarter than me and that I have nothing to say to them. They are on a whole different plain of being, one that I won’t understand until I join the club. It’s difficult for me because I’m so worried that I’ll say something that will elicit the look (the one that says “You don’t even know”) along with a just wait statement. I’m not even talking about something related to mothering, but the whole mom club is a group that I’m just not comfortable with.  I’m totally freaking out!

The thing that really getting to me the most is speaking for 45 minutes. I’ve taught at a conference workshop alongside Jeremy. I’ve team preached on Mother’s Day with two great ladies. I’ve never been responsible for 45 minutes of time all on my own. As I’ve been preparing my thoughts and notes, I’ve been blown away at how the length of time is a game changer for me. I’m used to splitting things up between people. I’m used to trying to keep my part down to a certain amount of time. Now I find myself trying to fill time. I’m used to practicing out loud word for word what I’m planning on saying. With 45 minutes, this tasks seems so much harder than I’m used.

Okay, now that I’ve whined, I’ll bring it home with the good church girl responses – I believe them in my heart… I just wish my stomach would get on board and stop feeling like I could throw up. I know that God is right beside me through all this and that he’ll help me through. I believe that it’s important to do things that feel bigger than yourself so God can show up and blow your mind. Doing something bigger than yourself means you have to rely on God because there is no way you can do it alone. Every time I start to feel like I should breathe into a paper bag, I’m reminded that I’m not doing this by myself. I’m sharing this presentation with God. There is a good chance I might fail… There is a good chance that 25 minutes in I might be starting at the floor trying to make the time stretch. These are very real possibilities. I just don’t want fear to keep me from growing. I don’t want fear to stop me from trying.

Tuesday could be the best day ever and be the next step in my development as a public speaker. Tuesday could go terribly wrong. I might be scarred and need counseling. One thing is true – I will not be alone. No matter what happens when I’m up front, God will be with me. His love won’t change based on how well I do. I just need to trust him. I need to let go of the nerves and just believe that he is good all the time,  no matter what, regardless of my personal performance. This is good news. I just have it keep repeating it to myself!