Okay, I’ll be honest… this post might freak some people out and I’m not trying to be morbid. I don’t know if it’s because at 26, I realize that I am not invincible and really any day could be my last. When I go on long car drives I sometimes wonder what would happen if I got in a car accident and died. How would people respond? Oh I know. They’d be sad. They’d cry. At least I hope so. I randomly plan my memorial service in my head. What songs would be played, what photos I would like shown. I also realized that unless I tell people what these songs and photos are they very well might die with me. Not that it matters. At that point, I really won’t care if the right song is played and if photos I hate are seen by one and all. But… I thought I would share the brief amount of thinking I’ve put into this. So in just in case I die tonight or tomorrow or next week, someone knows what I wanted. If it happens great. If not, no biggie!
A couple years ago when it seemed like Jeremy and I attended more memorial services then our hearts could handle, I started to process why I would want a memorial service. I decided that I didn’t want one. I thought a whole program dedicated to celebrate my life felt weird and I really wasn’t comfortable with it. Jeremy informed me that memorial services aren’t for the person, but for the friends and family. He said it helps with the grieving process and saying good-bye. I’ll be honest… memorial services don’t give me much closure. They just make me feel sad. My closure comes in quiet moments when I’ve wrestled with my pain and sobbed and said good-bye in a private way. Usually it’s a dramatic monologue where I know that God is listening and sees my pain. So yeah, memorial services and I just don’t click.
With that being said, if Jeremy is right and they are for others, I don’t want to deny the “others” in my life a chance to grieve and say good-bye. I’ve decided after much thought that I want the song “This Is Home” by Switchfoot played for the photo slideshow. I’ll finally be home at that time and I like the message of finally arriving at the place you’ve been looking for, longing for. I thought it seemed fitting that Switchfoot be played since they’ve been my favorite band for over a decade. However, I did have a bit of a failing out with them, but I have since decided they are my favorite again. I often pondered playing “Amy’s Song” by Switchfoot since it’s about death and a girl named Amy, but I think that Amy and myself are too different for the song to work.
As for the pictures… I don’t want all of them to be just of me. I want tons of pictures of the people I love. I want group shots where I am not the center. I want my life to be a testament of the relationships I’ve built. I want lots of pictures with my family, friends and the kids that I’ve invested in. Showing my life in photos and film won’t mean anything if I’m not with people.
I guess that’s all the thought I’ve really put into it. I haven’t thought too much about what Scripture. I think the verses that got me through my hardest deaths might be appropriate. Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose.” God sees the big picture and can bring good out of any situation. Celebrate the good even in the moments where it unseen because it will come. I believe this deeply. Revelation 21:3-4 “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” There are happy times ahead and if I’m gone, I’m enjoying them now and my prayer would be that would comfort those in a time of loss.
I’ve been listening to a sermon series on the book of Ecclesiastes and it’s been blowing my mind because it’s right where I’m at. I think that if I could could embody any passage of Scripture this would be pretty cool:
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 – Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
I pray that my life will reflect friendship and love. I pray that I would not walk each day, each precious gift alone. I hope that I will have relationships in my life that pick me up when I fall down, that warm up my soul when I am cold, who take on life’s battles with me. More than that, I pray that I am able to offer that kind of friendship to others. Knowing that with God on our side, we will not be easily broken. I want that strength. I want that life. I want to give that and receive that.
Okay, I know writing and talking about death is taboo and makes people feel weird. I get it. I just wanted you to know. In light of this joy and all this life, I can’t help but think of letting it all go and what kind of impact a life well lived will leave behind. I don’t know. I won’t see it this side of heaven, but I do know I will do my best to be someone who changes the world – one relationship at time.
Sorry if this freaked you out. It’s what’s been bouncing in my head the last couple of weeks and I finally thought I’d share it!