I’m been thinking about this post for a while. I’ve been wrestling with it and letting it sink in. I’ve been praying and letting the Lord really speak this truth over me before I went and shared it with the world. It might not seem like anything major to you. In fact the change might be so small that you can’t even see it yet. But I can feel it starting in my head and in my heart. And it’s growing!
The major theme that I am feeling right now it is that the Lord is rewriting me. I feel like things that have been a long time part of personality are being changed and drawn out of me. It literally feels like a rewrite. It’s crazy to feel like part of who I have been for so long is falling away.
For so long I have been stressed and up-tight. I have been controlling and I have been crazy fighting for order and sense. It’s been a process and I’m not saying I’m completely there yet, but I have learned that I really have no control. I do believe that I have free will and there are consequences both good and bad to my decisions. I’m not saying I’m a mindless robot. I’m just learning that so much of my life is really out of my control. I’m learning that there is so much of life that I just have let go and trust God to take care of it.
You would assume this realization of how out of control I am would send my stressed out, up-tight self into a tizzy. You would think that I would fight harder to gain control that I spent years trying so hard to keep. However, instead of holding on tighter and continuing the fight, I’m releasing it. I’m letting go. Instead of being freaked out, I’m learning dependence. Not independence and looking to myself. I’m finding that the only one I can turn to is the Lord. I am realizing just how much every moment I need him to show up. I could chose to raise my blood pressure and drown and in a sea of over thinking or I could give it to God. I can honestly say that I don’t know it all and I don’t have the answers and sometimes life is messy and I can’t clean it up. In these moments, I have felt a powerful connection to my savior. I have realized how hopeless I am without him. I’ve walked some pretty sacred and holy ground the last few months and I’m feeling the peace. I can feel my muscles loosen and my heart rate slow down. I am thankful for each deep breath because it is enough.
It’s been strange though… Being one way for so long and watching that person fade. It’s almost like an out of body experience. Is this really me? I’m happier… joyful! It feels so weird, but it’s so good. I feel like when I’m not stressed out about my crazy world, I have the energy and the freedom to love people better. It’s not about me. It’s about them. The joy of serving and giving is so real.
I wonder if this is what Paul meant when said, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2) The renewing of the mind has always been a part of this verse that I’ve struggled with. I’ve wondered what was wrong with my mind. I seemed to have a good head on my shoulders. How does one renew their mind? Sounded like a yoga phrase to me. But I’m starting to get it. I feel the transformation in my heart and I know it all stems from making an intentional choice to depend on the Lord.
I’m no longer fighting for control. I’m letting go of the tight grip I had on making things perfect. It’s warm and peaceful and crazy and weird, but it’s right. I feel it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes – I am being rewritten. I am being undone and remade. I’m giddy with excitement. I am daily reminding myself of this transformation, because I don’t want to go back. I want to keep walking forward in this renewing, this rewriting, this being remade. It’s a deliberate decision because I know how easy it can be to fall back into old habits and old patterns. My prayer is that this transformation will take root in my heart and that I will never be the same! Amen!