This was the first piece I wrote as I started my writing adventure, so I believe it has a home here on the blog!
So many things in my life are up in the air. They are beyond my control. I’m waiting on confirmation from this person, waiting to see how this situation pans out, waiting to know more details before I can move ahead. I’m not good at waiting. I’m a planner. I have to have a next step at all times. When things in my life are up in the air and out of my control, my brain goes into ultra planning mode to compensate for the lack of knowledge I currently have. If I can’t pin down all the details, I come up with plan A, plan B, plan C, etc. based on all the possible outcomes. A lot of energy goes into planning things that might be or may not be.
We have all heard that patience is a virtue. As a Christ follower, I feel I need to look patient at all times. This leads to a nasty mental process of me going over all my plans and telling everyone else I am fine. I can wait for those details; I understand that things are unclear, even with God, I tell him I will wait for his answer. However, inwardly my brain spins out of control. All the unanswered questions, I try to solve in my mind by playing every option out over and over again. As you can imagine, this is a very tiring process.
The other day I was discussing my life with a friend. I didn’t go into all my crazy details, but I mentioned to her how up in the air a lot of my plans were and how unclear the future looks. I told her I felt like a dog chasing my tail. I want all the details, but they are just not there. No matter how many times I run around in circles trying to pin them all down, it will never be a successful venture. Just like a silly puppy, I will get tired, feel defeated, and probably end up sitting down and taking a sulky nap.
I wonder if God views my tail-chasing and just laughs, like I would at a puppy in the same situation. I can pretend with him that patience is a virtue I possess because I am good little girl who knows the Sunday School answers. He knows the truth and he sees through my feigned contentment to the chaos beneath the surface of me.
When things are up in the air, I need to look up. I need to look beyond myself and quit pretending I have the ability to predict the future so I can be prepared for every outcome. I’m not super human and as much I would love to have complete control, it will never be possible. Desperately trying to grasp control only wears me out and leaves me feeling defeated. Just like helium balloons, I need to let go and send all the plans up into the air. Send them to God and let him take care of the rest.
I am reminded of the songs of ascent in the book of Psalms. I think it’s fitting the ascent means to move upward and this case, look upward. Psalms 121:1-3 remind me of the truth – “I lift up my eyes to the mountain, where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip; he who watches over you will not slumber.” When I lift my eyes beyond my own situations and worries, I can see God more clearly. I have renewed trust in the truth that he knows how it will work out, he won’t let me slip and he will never slumber. He is always looking out for me. If I feel like my life is up in the air, maybe it’s better that way because it’s in better hands. Not my own, but it the hands of the Maker.