I might not be in the best place to be blogging at the moment. My mind is spinning. Totally swimming through a sea of 90 million thoughts and responsibilities. I feel a bit loopy and dizzy. But the kids are on a walk with Nana and Papa. Jeremy is running a quick errand. And I am sitting in silence, alone in the house (a truly rare experience). I process my world by writing things down. Welcome to my therapy session.
The last week has been spent out of town. I was at conference from Monday through Wednesday. I was home Thursday and Graham was a sick mess. I had planned to be very productive with my one at home in between trips, but Graham’s illness made that complicated. Friday through Sunday I was at our church ladies retreat.
This was the first trip for me to leave Graham at home and my first time being truly kid free in two years. I had a dumb grin on my face the whole time. During the first trip I got lots of good time with my hubby and it was a blessing. I am amazed how much easier traveling is when I’m not pregnant or taking care of a baby. It was bliss to feel good and be able to focus.
The only slight stress factor was being away for a week while trying to launch a new business. I worked on some Usborne stuff while I was away. I ordered my kit and went through as much of the official training information as I could on Thursday (but remember Graham was sick and this was difficult because I also needed to do laundry and repack for my next adventure). Things with Usborne are going well and I am excited for my launch this Thursday. It has taken some time to go through the welcome and training information. I’m learning a lot and processing a lot. I know things will get easier with time but right now it’s a whole new world I’m trying to master.
Part of my stress comes from MOPS, I’m still seeking team members for next year. I’m working on planning and preparing for next year. In a lot of ways even though I’m coordinating next year, I’ve taken on more leadership at the end of this year than I expected. Especially in the form of two fundraisers that surprisingly have landed on my shoulders. I’m discouraged by the lack of participation in the fundraisers, leaving me to carry the weight.
My hope is that by the time I’m actively leading MOPS over the summer, I will have enough Usborne experience to feel confident with these two big commitments. I am the type of person who believes in doing one thing well instead of multiple things only okay. For me this has looked like a scaled back schedule so I could make motherhood my top priority. I created a relatively simple life so I could give my best effort, energy and focus to mothering. Now I’m responding to texts, sending messages, learning new programs, recruiting leaders, asking questions, planning meetings… I would love to say this all happens when my kids are napping or sleeping at night, but it doesn’t. My focus is split. I am distracted. Even if I’m not actively working on Usborne or MOPS, I’m thinking about them.
I realize this is a season of growth for me. I am learning. Things are changing. But I also know that I will get into a routine and a flow with these new commitments. They won’t always be new. They won’t always take the same level of interest or intensity. At least, I hope not. I’m praying for firm footing and confidence as a I move forward. I definitely want to be present with my kids. Especially with Owen as we move toward summer. These next few months will be the last I have with him home all day, every day. I want to make those moments matter. Owen has appreciated that I am home from my many travels. When he got up from his nap today, he asked me for the all hugs and kisses I could give him. It was a super sweet moment as I showered him with goofy hugs and kisses. I listened those giggles and smelled his little boy smell and just loved on him. He was happy I was home and I was happy to be there with him too. Bliss!
Now Graham on the other hand has been super cranky lately. He is unhappy soul at the moment. I think the main issue is teething, but he is no fun to hang out with. I love him dearly, but he makes my days complicated. It’s hard to multi-task when he is crying at my feet. I often think I can accomplish a list of little things to do through out the day, but that list turns out to be way more challenging than I expect because Graham just isn’t happy. Poor kid. Poor me. Here’s hoping he grows out of this stage soon. He is the cutest thing and he loves his Mama, but he isn’t all that sweet at the moment. I’m a part of a moms’ group that calls kids like him “Sour Patch Kids”. I think that sums Graham up quite well.
Anyway, all that to say, I am spinning around in circles. Trying to keep it all straight. Trying to do the best that I can with what I’ve got. I’m really pushing myself to connect with others on a lot of different fronts. Conferences were about connecting with people, starting a business means I need people to get it off the ground, MOPS needs people to lead and attend. I have greatly valued pouring into my family and having my connection energy spent on a smaller circle. I am having some growing pains as my world expands. Life will just keep spinning. What overwhelms me today, hopefully won’t be as overwhelming tomorrow. Prayers appreciated!