This is going to be a doozy of a blog. Oh my. Graham is one month old today. My world has been turned upside down a time or two, but I am still standing. The lack of sleep has been hard. Graham has had a few longer stretches at night (4-6 hours), but mostly he is up about every two hours. He developed a head cold at 3 weeks that really had a negative effect on his sleep. It was hard for me to see this little guy get a cold at such a young age. When Owen was an infant, I could keep germy kids away from him. Sadly, Owen passed a cold on Graham. There was no protecting from big brother.
For the most part, Graham has been super chill. He seems to handle things better than Owen did. He’s also been a really good eater. Owen and I needed some time to figure out the whole breastfeeding thing, but Graham got the concept right away. However, we’ve had some challenges arise recently that I never saw coming.
A couple weeks ago, I noticed that Graham was really spitting up a lot. Way more than Owen ever did. We were in a cycle of Graham spitting up, making a huge mess, me cleaning up the mess, Graham being hungry because he lost his meal and then me having to feed him again. It’s a cycle that leaves me feeding Graham a great deal of the time that he is awake. He also has some gross diapers that I assumed were related to his cold and nasal drainage. After a couple weeks with this spit up problem, we went to the doctor today to figure things out. Graham was diagnosed with a milk/soy intolerance. Most kids out grow this, but for the entire time that I breastfeed, I will have to cut dairy and soy out of my diet. Let’s be honest, I eat a lot of processed foods. I eat junk. I have never really cared about what I ate. I live off of cheese pizza and milk chocolate. The fact that my whole diet has to change has completely rocked my world and left me reeling.
Being so tired has been hard on me. Keeping up with Owen and Graham on little sleep has been rough. Food has been a source of comfort and a way of rewarding myself for surviving. As I head into the holidays, I realize that I will not be able to eat most of the meals and goodies that I will be surrounded by. I’m not even sure I have the right amount of words to describe how not thrilled I am. I want my son to be healthy and happy. I know this isn’t about me and I know it’s only for a season, not forever. But at the same time, I am very much still in the pity party camp. I am bummed and frustrated and angry and scared and I just want to cry.
I haven’t had a good meltdown yet about anything. I keep thinking I will snap soon and dissolve into a puddle of tears. I’m not sure if I am stronger than I expected or if I’m not really letting myself give way to the emotions that are building in my life. I feel like I need to have a good cry and yet for some reason I haven’t… I told Jeremy just last night that I am waiting to hit rock bottom. I feel like I keep falling deeper and I would love to hit the bottom so I could start working my way back up. This diet change might be rock bottom, but I’m not sure. I still feel like I’m falling.
This update really should be about Graham, though, not my sadness. Graham is growing like crazy. He has gained over a pound in the last week. He now weighs 8lbs 15oz. In his first month of life he has gained over two pounds total. Even with the tummy problems, all the eating is paying off. Maybe this kid will be my chunky kid since Owen never was.
One month. Graham is a sweet addition to our family. Even though the crazy factor in our house has gone up, I wouldn’t change anything. I am bummed about this diet transition, but Graham is worth it. This sweet boy deserves to have food that won’t upset his insides. I am excited once we get a handle on his diet how he will change and grow. I’m hoping he will be happier and go back to the more chill baby he started out as. It’s hard to be chill when your food doesn’t agree with you. We will make this work. I love this little boy so much and I am blessed to be his mommy.