It’s been 50 days since I last posted anything “mostly” about my second pregnancy… Blogging about this second pregnancy hasn’t been easy for me. When I was pregnant with Owen, everything was new and around every corner was a “what if” to ponder. My life was going to drastically change and it was all I could think about. This go around, I still think about pregnancy a lot, but in a totally different way. Keeping up with a toddler while growing a little human inside me has been quite the life experience. I try to post mainly positive things on this blog. I don’t want to be a downer and a whiny pregnant lady doesn’t sound like an interesting read. A lot of people love being pregnant and I don’t want to offend them by saying that I don’t love it. I don’t like it at all. Very little of this process is my idea of a good time. I view it as something to endure for the end result. I also have a fear that if I mention some of my aches and pains then people will freak out and treat me like I am about to explode (which is semi true, but annoying nonetheless). Anyway, I walk on egg shells with what to say about being pregnant and how I am doing. I just don’t like to be too honest because often I don’t think it’s the answer that people want to hear. So for those of you want to think of pregnancy in the same light as fluffy puppies, bunnies, unicorns and rainbows – maybe you should stop reading this post, like right now.
Okay, this pregnancy has been hard. I’ve been trying to compare this pregnancy to my one with Owen and I think this one wins for being harder. I have been sicker this go around and I have felt worse overall. This could be thanks to keeping up with a toddler, but for some reason it is just more icky in lots of ways. I hurt a lot. From back pain to headaches to the force of my little one kicking me in random places, I am not comfortable a good portion of the day. It’s all about living with and through the pain. I often hear “have you talked to your doctor about that?” And yes, I have. It’s, sadly, normal stuff, that I just need to deal with. The last month has been one where I went from “Wow, we’re in the third trimester” to “Are we done yet?” I am over feeling this way.
Apart of physically feeling bad, I feel like I am not doing a great job at keeping up with life. There are days where staying home with Owen is too much for me and I am spent by the time Jeremy gets home from work. When I add outings or commitments outside of the house to my calendar, they are almost too much for me and I question almost every time I walk out the door if I have the “umph” to do what I have planned. I have joked with various family members that I feel like dropping out of the human society for a couple of months. Going into hiding is a tempting option. However, I know that things that I do and the people that I see are worthwhile and then I feel really guilty about wanting to hide from the outside world.
While I was getting ready one morning this week, I was thinking about all the things that I am not doing well at right now. The list is long. I started to go down the road of beating myself up for not being more awesome and then I remembered that my goal in life isn’t to be awesome. I just read about this in Jen Hatmaker’s new book For the Love, which I highly recommend. I can’t be all things. I can’t do all things. I can be awesome at all things. I want to love Jesus and love others, but even that looks different in each season of life. Right now it’s a slower season. Having little ones makes you slow down to their pace and it’s a good reminder to go easy on myself. I doubt that Jesus would give me the same verbal smack down I was giving myself. I have a feeling his words to me would be much more grace-filled. Giving grace to others seems to be easier than giving grace to myself. The truth is I need it more than ever these days. I am not a superstar. I am not getting everything done. I do not have the energy or stamina to socialize with every person that I genuinely like or enjoy. Some seasons are scaled back and some seasons of life are not awesome. Being pregnant falls under the “not awesome” category of my life.
I’m sure kid #2 will be worth it. Once he arrives on the scene and I see him growing and developing, I will willingly put aside the memories of being pregnant so I can focus on the present joys and frustrations of parenting. It took me a while to get into the swing of things with Owen and I assume that it will be the same kind of adjustment period with #2. I am not fooling myself into thinking that having a toddler and a newborn will be easy. But it will be a new adventure and it will be progress and it will move quickly because it’s shocking how fast newborns aren’t newborns and how fast infants become toddlers. Pregnancy is one uncomfortable wait game that is worth the end goal. I’m so glad that there is an end in sight and that it is coming in roughly 7 weeks. Less than two months. Less than 50 days. I can do this. I will make it. I might have to repeat that often. The most amazing part of this journey is that for as awful as I feel, it causes to me to turn to God and rely on him for strength. Pain has a way of bringing us closer to God and I truly feel like pregnancy and parenting has drawn me closer to my Savior because I have needed him like never before. Even the tough stuff of life can be used for good when given to God. I am thankful for that and optimistic for the future.