Today was a big day. In fact, it might be too soon to write about it. I should maybe let these thoughts marinate more, but I feel like writing so I’m just going to do it. A week ago I was talking about moments and how I need to stop and just enjoy the moments. I talked about giving certain moments more weight than others. Take the good and let go of the bad, I thought… Well, I have failed at this. I am soooooo good at focusing on the negative moments and not letting the good ones pick me up. I find it interesting that I say one thing and automatically do the opposite. It’s difficult to fight my hard-wiring. This fact proves to me even more that this is a direction I need to go. I need to work on enjoying the good moments and letting them, no matter how small, be enough.
I’m going to be honest, Owen is in a super fussy phase. I say phase because I hope it will pass. I’m not too thrilled that I have a mommy needy kid who likes to eat more than he should, doesn’t take very long naps and needs to held and bounced way too much. Also add that he usually cries whenever in the presence of company, my nerves have been frazzled. This Wednesday night he cried himself to sleep in the church nursery (our nursery staff are amazing, by the way). I dream of having a quiet, well adjusted kid, but that is just not happening and I am tired. With my job and the time I spend at church, I feel so out in the open. People are watching and I am trying. I’m trying to keep it together. All this trying just wears me out. It’s hard to be thankful for these moments.
But then there are moments like today when I took Owen shopping and he was wide eyed staring in amazement at the bright lights in the store. He was just too darn cute. When he isn’t fussing, his face is quite sweet. He really is one good looking baby boy. These moments of cuteness do happen. They happen often in all reality, but I let the negative moments overshadow the good one.
This leads me to today. We had Owen dedicated at church this morning. This practice states that Jeremy and I plan to raise Owen to know the Lord. We invite our family and church congregation to join us in this endeavor and hold us up as we try to parent to the best of our ability. It’s a very sweet concept and I am blessed by the family and friends we have surrounding us.
Going into it, I knew that today was going to be big. I knew the dedication was a big deal. I don’t want to make light of it. We decided since we had out of town family visiting and many family members that attend our church, we would do a brunch after church to celebrate. Preparing for 20+ people to come over can be quite the process. Jeremy and I cleaned the house and went shopping for brunch items yesterday. I took a lot of time on Saturday getting things ready because I knew there wouldn’t be much time before church. This morning, Owen decided to sleep in so he ate a big breakfast, super fast so we could get on the road and go to church. He then proceeded to spit up… Hmm… every 5 minutes or so. One spit up session made my brother-in-law think he had a blow out diaper because Owen was wet everywhere. Sooo… right before we’re supposed to go up for the dedication, Jeremy and I made a mad dash to change Owen’s outfit. I was totally thinking of The Office and Cece’s christening…. The first outfit was off and Owen was into a Seahawks outfit. Yes, we are those parents or at least Jeremy is and I don’t really care that much. Up front for the dedication, Owen was great. He was a happy, alert little calm. He did spit up more. In fact, there was some spit up on the carpet where we were standing and Jeremy says he got some in his shoes. Flash forward a bit, Owen is in his 4th outfit of the day (thank you spit up). He decides to be a total fuss face and I manage to get him down for a nap while we have a house full of company technically over to celebrate him. Oh well. Guests of honor don’t have to be seen, right? Better asleep than crying in my opinion. Owen woke up and was saying good-bye to people when my nephew decided to give my dog a good bye hug. This resulted in my dog biting my nephew and probably one of the most horrific moments of my life. Words cannot express how terrible I felt about the situation. I have been sick to my stomach all day over the matter. This is a prime example of one moment ruining all the other moments. While I got many compliments about today’s shindig, all I can think about is a crying baby in a full house and my dog – the biter. To consul myself, I went went on a drive after the house was cleaned up. I turned up my favorite band and had a good cry. It felt good to release a bit of the tension. Then I went shopping and bought Owen pajamas. That also helped.
Sooo…. where is this going??? I am trying. I believe in what I did today. I believe in family. I believe that life is messy. Things get crazy and babies cry and hopefully my dog didn’t create a family rift. But it is what it is. These are my moments. Some good, some bad. But I am dedicated. I am dedicated to raising Owen alongside Jeremy in a way that points Owen to the Lord. I know he won’t remember this day, but I hope as he watches me, he will see a mom who loves him and is doing her best. I hope he sees Jesus and love and kindness. I am praying that in these moments I can find peace and have that peace felt in our home. Here’s hoping.