I don’t know if you ever have this inner tension when your birthday comes around. I feel torn in two directions. Part of me is like a little school kid. I want to have a giant party and invite the whole class. I want the whole day to be a celebration of me. The other part of me (probably the adult side) wants to just forget about the whole date. I don’t want attention or fanfare. No big deal. Fly under the radar. I guess I’m young enough to want the big hoopla and old enough to understand why adults are less excited to celebrate birthdays.
I think 25 was the last birthday I was really excited to celebrate. It meant I was in my mid-twenties. I was still young, but I was old enough to have some since of authority (or so I assumed). 25 felt like a right of passage, like I was really an adult. However that glory didn’t last long. I still don’t feel like an adult. I’m learning that there are no magic numbers where everything clicks.
I always thought that I would want to celebrate my birthdays in a big, fun loving way. I didn’t think I was going to be the person that freaks out the closer I get to 30. While I’m not too concerned about 30 (yet), turning 27 next week hasn’t sat well with me. I wish it wasn’t the case. But I figure I should be honest. Birthdays can remind you have how far you’ve come and where you’re going – much like a new year. It’s a time to reflect and it’s time to hope and dream for the future.
I want to preface that I love my life and I am very blessed. I remind myself of that when my mind wonders and it has been wondering a bit lately. I keep comparing myself to who I thought I would be at 27 and what I thought my life would look like. In so many ways the plans I made when I was younger have not panned out the way I expected and that is not a bad thing. God has been so good. He is redirected and steered me in ways I never expected and for that I am grateful. The trouble is in comparing. Nothing good comes from comparing.
For some reason this upcoming birthday has tried to derail me a bit and I’ve decided to not let it. I’ve decided to let my birthday off the hook. I’m not going to give it the power it seems to want to have my life. While there will be no big party like the kindergarten days, I will also not pretend like it’s just another day. I will celebrate with family. Even though my plans will not be glamorous, they will be homey and cozy and fun. I realize that the older I get I will have to intentionally make birthdays special and keep them in perspective. I don’t want to be the kind of a adult that hides from aging. I don’t want to stay forever at a certain age. I want to embrace each new year that the Lord gives me. I don’t want to compare it with old hopes and dreams and plans. They are shadows and assumptions and hold no place in my current life.
So yes, in away turning 27 is no big deal. Nothing to be upset about and nothing to bring on worry or even sadness. I will keep walking forward knowing that God holds the pen and I am excited to see what Chapter 27 holds. It’s his story, not mine. I don’t want to help him “edit” it. I just want to be along for the journey – fully invested in every twist and turn. After too much thinking on the topic, I’ve decided at that age only has so much power over my life. It has as much power as I give it. And I’ve decided that age doesn’t really matter. Not when I’ve been following in the footsteps of the Lord. This a good place. I might have to remind myself of this from time to time, but that’s okay. I’m only human. Good thing the author is supernatural and so much more creative than me. I can trust him.