This will be a complete and total ramble… I’m just warning you up front. I have the desire to blog, but I’m too tired to really try to formulate some complete thoughts or flow! Sorry. I guess if that annoys you, you can always stop reading. I hope you don’t though!
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. My mind is full of an over abundance of them right now. Add some stress and some high emotion and you have my week. It’s been rough. It’s been hard. I’ve been really discouraged. I know that isn’t the happy Christian thing to say, but let’s be honest, I’m not happy all the time. In fact, I would say I’m always unhappy about something. I call myself a realist, but really I’m a pessimist. I wish I wasn’t, but it’s how my brain is wired.
On the other hand, I know who my Jesus is and I know my God is bigger than my worries and my stresses. I know that God sees my pain and understands my heart when I feel like none one does. I think I’ve been trying to put myself inside a box. I’ve wanted to give myself a label, to better understand who I am and what’s expected of me. I’m finding that all labels fall short and no box really contains me. The reality of the situation is life is gray – not black and white. Not all questions get answered. Not all hopes and dreams become reality. So what do I do with the tension? I believe my God is big and can do big things. I know He will show up on my behalf and be my advocate. Waiting for the heavens to open can be discouraging… Just like the natural weather, life has it’s sunny moments, but it also rains. The more staring up at the sky I do, the greater chance I have of getting wet. My gut says to run inside. To hide. To stay where it’s safe and dry. Do I give up believing in that sky-opening experience? I don’t know. I’m wrestling with that right now.
It’s hard to live in the moment and just accept things the way they are joyfully. Okay, for me it is. I’m sure some of you never struggle with this and if so, I envy you. I keep coming back to the fact that Jesus is enough. That I’m living my life for him – first and foremost! It’s not about what I want. It’s not about what other people want from me. It’s all about Jesus. I think when I realize who I’m serving the other stuff just fades to the background. It doesn’t completely disappear all together, which means I have to make an intentional choice to keep my eyes on Jesus. Things will always be ready in my peripheral vision – waiting to jump in front again.
I know this seems simple and I should really live like this more often, but I’ve been repeating this motto over the last week and it’s helped me in moments when I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s this – I am doing the best I can with what I have. People might ask for more, but Jesus will be mighty pleased if I live my life like that. I have to remember who I’m serving.
Not people. Not me.
Jesus. Above all.
End rambling train of thought…. now.