At the moment, there are so many ways this blog could go. I haven’t been able to blog due to my schedule for the last bit so I’ve been storing up ideas and just waiting for this moment when I’m sitting with my keyboard in front of me and a blank page ready to be filled. As a writer, I’m sometimes overwhelmed at the amount of thoughts I feel I need commit to a page. I write a lot… That is an understatement. If I don’t write it down in my blog more than likely I’ve given those thoughts pages in my prayer journal. There is a strong call within me to write. In my life, writing things down makes them real. It takes them from my head and into the world. This is a process that helps me release and also cope with all the thoughts that are bouncing around in my head.
Normally, I would pick a cheery topic. I have a couple in the stock pile of ideas to write on (and I will get to them, I promise). However, I’ve had one of those afternoons. You know the ones… nothing is going particularly wrong and then something happens that causes you to snap. Today it was the Costco Pharmacy. Now I won’t go into the details, but it took my somewhat okay mood and let’s just say… it crashed and burned into a sea of irritation. Not ideal. I had a long car ride home and then a walk once I got home to think about things. Now the pharmacy incident really did bug me, but it also opened me up. I’m not sure if anyone else is like this, but once I start thinking something negative, it’s really easy for me to take a trip down negative thought lane. My starting point might have been the pharmacy, but the road I traveled led me to a very different place.
As, I drove home, I started to pray aloud in the car (something I do when I’m really wrestling with my thoughts). A mix of questions and truthful statements started to pour out of my mouth as I let God know how I felt about things. In ministry I’m always trying to balance doing more with not doing too much. I’m trying to judge where the best place to put my energy is. I’m also on the eve of a major event that I’m 99.9% responsible for. Plus, I’ve some other personal challenges on the front burners of my mind. All this mental multi-tasking has left my noggin a little bit fried. I’m not on top of my game as much as I feel I should be.
So yes, I’m processing all of this when my brain takes another turn. I start to ponder all the hurt I witness in the lives of those I love and those I minister to. There are a lot of people going through some difficult times. There are situations that I can’t believe they’ve been placed in and it just isn’t fair. Now, I learned a long time ago that life isn’t fair. I’ve also learned that the church is made up of messed up people and that means we struggle with just as many issues as the outside of world. We’re not exempt from the problems that seem to be plaguing the rest of the planet. I started to contemplate how much my heart hurts for people. I’m constantly hurting over some issue that someone is struggling with. I know that God has made my heart soft to these cries. I know that I have compassion because He has given me the passion to serve people. It’s only natural to respond with empathy to those in need and those that struggle. After pondering and praying for faces that came to my mind, I had another question pop into my head. How much hurt can I feel for others before I hurt myself? I’m not sure if that makes sense to you, but I was left wondering how much pain can I feel for others before the pain becomes my own pain. I really struggled with this question for the rest of the ride home. I have to admit that I don’t have the answer. So my question of the day remains how much pain can I witness and feel for others before I hurt myself? Has anyone else worked through this? Does anyone have an answer or something that has helped them? I know that I don’t want to harden my heart and go numb, but at the same time, I’m not sure just how far is too far. Is there such a place? I concluded my time of prayer by telling the Lord that I trust Him and I really do believe that He works all things for good. A lot of the time (honestly, most of the time), I don’t know how that is going to happen. I don’t see the good coming out the bad. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that my God is trustworthy and faithful. Even in my pondering and questioning, there is one thing that I will never question and that is the goodness of my God. I know His character. Now I need to reconcile my own emotions, feelings, and facts in the light of who He is. Anyone who has walked this road and would like to share their experience is more than welcome to comment! I need some insight into this!