Right now I’m smack dab in the the middle of the New Year and my 26th birthday. It’s a very contemplative time as I ponder 2012 and turning another year older. What will this year hold? This might sound strange, but I’m not a fan of odd numbers, so I’m always happy when I enter an even calendar year and even year of age. As much as I don’t want to be another year older, I am somewhat comforted by the fact that it will be an even year. Like I said, I’ve been thinking a lot… it’s something I probably do way too much in general. Here is what has been bouncing around in my head…
When asked what my new year’s resolutions are I had to say none. I have no goals set for 2012. My mom said this was healthy since according to her I’m scary when it comes to goals. I will be the first to admit that I like to be working towards something and that I have pretty high standards for myself. I’ve been thinking about a lot about my standards. I’ve been looking back in my mind to the standards I set for myself as a youth student. I’ve been remembering the things that I was passionate about and that shaped the adult I’ve become. I was blessed with a group of friends and family that held me accountable to the high standards I set for myself. Because of the high standards I’ve always had in place, I find that I hold others to equally high standards. Now I don’t judge when someone isn’t like me or not on the same page as me. I just care a lot about my friends and family. I want the best for them. This leads me to holding a pretty firm line in some areas of life. It’s been a challenge for me to watch some people that care about deeply make choices I don’t always support. I can give my two cents when it’s asked for, but really, I’m not in control of others (DUH!) and I’m not responsible for their choices. As a teacher at my church, it’s hard when this happens with students. I feel in some way that I let down in my training. While, I know that isn’t true, I feel the weight of their choices.
As I’ve been pondering the standards that I hold for others, I started to evaluate the standards that I currently have for myself. If you’re going to teach, the Bible says that you’re going to be held to the standard of your own teaching and higher. I started to look at myself deeply and wondered if I’m really walking the walk that goes behind all my talk. Now, I haven’t had any major revelations about poor standards in my life, but I have come to the conclusion that I need to do better. I have so not arrived yet… I’m so far off from being the person I need to be. Even today, I had to apologize for a blunder I made and a lapse in judgement. I’m still human no matter how hard I strive to be perfect. Tonight at church, we sang two songs that mentioned weakness and being weak. In the car ride to church I was praying about that is how I felt, so it no surprise for me to see the theme of weakness coming out in worship. I feel so weak. I know that in my weakness God can do great things. I also know His strength and power is revealed in times of weakness. I just don’t feel like some strong spiritual giant. I feel small. I’m a bit of a control freak who has through a lack of control in life turned a bit paranoid. I can see healthy tendencies in my thoughts and perceptions. I know there are roads I don’t want to go down. I need to refresh my mind and my way of thinking.
All being said, here is what I came up with as my solutions and in a way somewhat my resolutions for the this coming year. I need to pray more. I find that I’m good when I have time to write out my thoughts, but I need to be praying a lot more than I am now. When I try to do things on my own, I fail. I need God to be a conscience part of my every moment. I need to invite him to live each day with me. I know the lines of communication need to be more open for me to see growth in my life. I believe that a focus on prayer coupled with my Bible reading will be a backbone for growth in me this coming year. Bottom line – I want to be better. I want to be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, employee, teacher, mentor and overall follower of Christ. I know that the people in my life and my Savior deserve my best. I pray that God will give me the strength to make changes in my own heart. If I start with making a difference in my life then I can truly do a better job of making difference in the life of others. This is what I look forward to in 2012 and hope being 26 will be defined as – a year of change – a year where I get better. I believe the this desire to get better will be something I struggle with every year. I think it’s the desire for eternity in my heart. It’s my desire to be truly made right and whole by the love of my Savior. I will someday know this feeling to the fullest, but for now I will make small strides towards the woman God wants me to become.